I haven’t done one of these in A LONG ASS TIME. I’ve either been too busy..or “too busy.”
I just got done with one of the most tiring three months of school I have ever had. Two of the hardest pre-reqs with arguably the hardest teachers on campus. Both teachers said taking these classes was “the kiss of death”, almost everyone I talked to who has taken these classes before said I was in for quite the ride (these same people took it in separate quarters). Thing is, I wanted to prove EVERYONE wrong. That’s just how I am now. My brother did it..4.0’d it…with a full time NIGHT job (granted, he didn’t take the same professors I did). So why couldn’t I? Yes I work. Yes I spend countless hours lifting things. Yes I will make time for the people I want to see. Why couldn’t I succeed in these classes? My goal was a 4.0 in both. I took my last final
today yesterday already knowing I wouldn’t get a 4.0 in either (even if I got 100% on the final). I’ll be ok with the A and B+ I do get. I can tell you nobody, that I’ve spent these last 12 weeks in a cycle of being sick and “recovering” only to lapse back into sickness. I had too much on my plate. I literally had NO days off. I tried really hard to make sure I kept active. Lifting as frequently as I could (MTW, rest Thurs, FS, rest Sunday), making enough time to read/study by cutting sessions in half. For the most part, I kept my time spent with others, at a minimum. If I did go out, I made sure I was caught up and understood the material.
It wore me down to the bone on a week to week basis.
So I’m sitting here, in bed, typing this thing up..almost bewildered. The thing that was such a HUGE portion of my plate is now gone (for now). I keep saying it, but I literally don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve kept my mind so active these past 12 weeks that not expecting to think about academics has got me empty. “IT’S OKAY TO SIT AND THINK ABOUT NONSENSE” is what I keep telling myself. Thing is, I’ve already downloaded week one’s syllabus for when school starts again on the 1st…..I plan to read the chapter sometime next week, just so I don’t remember how good it feels to be lazy. I remind myself everyday that this is a marathon..and I’m not even close to being finished with the 1st leg.
This next quarter won’t be as demanding (I hope) as last quarter. The last portion of A&P, and a random online class that was explained to me as “an AES class but a really really really really small and easy portion of it” ps..my major is in AES.
This break will definitely be nice. I think I’m leaving and then getting a tattoo. Thats my plans so far. Where I’m leaving to and where I’m getting a tattoo at is still up in the air. I know I’ll be driving, probably alone. I know I want a catrina tattoo, but I’m not sure if I should get a sleeve on my arm (I wanted that to be part of a koi/asian/japanese sleeve by Lucky) or lower outer leg, or on my thigh, or on my shoulder blade, or on my face.
THE OPEN HAS ALREADY STARTED. I remember when I used to be SUPER serious about all this stuff. Sippin’ that Kool Aid hella HOURD. Kinda changed now that I have an incomplete hand..I guess I’m more realistic…and I’d rather Olympic Lift. Anyway, The Open has always been a measuring point in my life, not just a physical one. Obviously, it’s a great way to measure my fitness level with each year. I’ve always surprised myself with my improvement..or lack of improvement. With these past two weeks I’ve already surprised myself with some physical and mental feats I thought I lost during school and my whole “cardio is the devil I will never ever rarely do anything to cardio”/”hi-rep movements are evil I will never ever rarely do anything with hi-reps” phase. I’m surprised that I still have the lung capacity to do these. I do need to get back on the CrossFit thing tho. I’m getting super extra chubby now.
More importantly, I look at The Open as a point in my greatest mental change I have had in my lifetime up to this point.
Had a reallllllly good chat at post-workingoutforareallylongtime dinner/drinks/tots. A conversation about where we are in our lives, our mutual focus on our careers, our mutual focus on our health, our mutual focus on..well, focus.
We had a similar conversation when I was in Oakland last year. I remember listening to her talk about her current situation and how much it paralleled mine (minus the part about actually being with someone). The sadness in her voice, how broken she sounded, how broken she felt, and what she was doing to pick up those pieces and fit them back into her life. I was sitting across from her doing the same things in my life, feeling the same things, but headed in a direction. I remember hearing so much back and forth in her voice, so much doubt…rarely any courage.
Last night, I sat across from her and heard a different woman. Once again, the things she was talking about simply paralleled my life. In her voice, you could tell…SHE WAS, AND IS, HAPPY. Happy to be alive (not like either of us were in danger of not being alive). Simply, truthfully, wholeheartedly, HAPPY. And it couldn’t make my heart smile bigger.
We all go through some tough shit. Life is fucking hard. But understanding how to be happy is something that I’ve realized long ago, and she’s finally realized it too. I’m happy because I choose to be. For both of us, it took the loss/removal of someone important to come to this realization..that we were in control. For both of us, we found happiness with who we were. As weird as this will sound, we found happiness in our loneliness.
For me, through her, I saw how far I’ve come within the past year. How I have a completely different outlook on life. How many chances I’ve taken that I never would’ve before. How much of a difference happiness has made.
It was such a weird, but refreshing conversation. A great reminder to myself of where I’ve been and where I’m going. Where we’ve been, and where we’re about to go. We are both very driven in what we do, and it’s nice to know we’ll be both pulling for each other. It’s one of the reasons she took a chance and moved up here with 2 weeks notice.
Such a good night.
Not sure why I typed this all out. Most of it I didn’t think I needed to get off my chest. Thankfully my ability to type my thoughts out aren’t as good as my ability to talk my thoughts out. But I typed a whooooooooooole lotta stuff. AND YOU READ (PROBABLY NOT) ALL OF IT..SO HA. :hat :hat :hat
#life #life lessons #ilistenedtoJTthewholetime #thistookmetwohourstowrite